Gaht-Dang...

Okay. Today has already started out shitty.

My fault for not getting up on the first alarm ring to have enough time to finish my hair for work. On my way to work, I find a gigantic crack in my windshield from a rock that apparently did A LOT of damage that hit me on the freeway while I was on my way home from my therapy appointment. Once I walk into work, my boss comes in and tells me of a bunch of corrections I have to make on a shit-ton of letters I completed yesterday. It's driving me insane because the date of the letter is now 3 days old, and I still haven't sent them out because he wants to leave at noon everyday now, instead of coming back to work. After giving me those corrections, he keeps drilling me with other questions that he would know the answers to, had he been here for the whole day. I know I have it pretty damn good here, but being drilled with questions before I can even get my computer on irritates the shit out of me. Give me some time to organize my thoughts and details for the day. Then, my fucking phone is alerting me that someone has texted me in the midst of all his damn questions. I get irritated, pick up the phone to turn off the notifications, and it's my husband responding to my text about the crack in the windshield with 'What the Fuck'. That's fucking pleasant. Then my boss asks me if I am okay, and I told him that I am stressed out. He asks me why. I tell him that I am dealing with my husband being upset and myself being upset with the windshield being cracked. (never ending problems with that fucking car.) [Even though I really wanted to say, yeah! I'm stressed out from all this fucking work your handing off to me to deal with while you go out and play.. and when I have questions to ask you through the day, you respond to me as though I am bothering you and inconveniencing you when it's your paperwork and letters that I'm doing.] He responds to me that there are worse things to be stressed about. THAT fucking irritated me. He doesn't know what I am going through... and I know he really has no desire to find out. It can get really lonely and sad with co-workers that treat you like that.
New text! Husband now says that he is 'really fucking irritated with me' that I leave all the dishes in the sink, now he can't use the sink. I wanted to say, well if you would do the damn dishes as I have done now for the past 3-4 times... you could USE the damn sink. Instead I told him that I can't use the counters on account of all the fucking dishes all over the place. Our kitchen is TINY. you can't do jack shit in there hardly unless it's clean every single day. I really don't want to deal with this shit. Right now especially.

I just want to go home and cry it out.

Therapy Sesh

Howdy, Ya'll!

I went to my very first therapy/counseling appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but also excited, to finally be in the doc's office. It was incredibly emotional but it was empowering to realize that I can be fixed! Not that I am COMPLETELY messed up, but there have been issues growing up that has made me the way I am today with my insecurities. I look forward to more meetings with him, my next one is on July 1st. He has asked for me to write down my dreams (since I am excellent about remembering what they were), as well as starting a journal. I need to be specific as to what I feel about myself, and things that trigger me to have different moods - giving explanation and description about what is happening in my day to create the mood I am in. I have tried keeping a journal in the past, but I always tend to write in it when something bad is happening to me. I could try making a habit at a certain time of day to write SOMETHING... I know it doesn't have to be a novel or anything. 
Today has been driving me a little more crazy... the Fall Sports are starting to create schedules and it's my job to stay on top of it and make reservations. It's so crazy right now actually. I needed to take a break though since I haven't gone to lunch, to try and open my mind a little and stop focusing quite so harshly on dates, conflicts, emails, and phone calls.
I am off, time to go retrieve the mail from the opposite side of campus.. might just walk to get some exercise in. :)

I hope you have some sparkle brought to your day!

Drag

Today is really dragging by. I have had ZERO work to do today, and am trying to figure out a way to make better use of my time. On Facebook, there is a contest going around for writing a story based just on the words 'Rising-Up'. I have written down some ideas on what story-line I could go with and have found one that I will start working on eventually. I have until July 10th to submit it. I also brought a book with me to work called 'Attached', which is describing the scientific explanation as to why some people navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle. Three distinct ways each of us behaves in relationships are whether we are Anxious, Avoid-ant, and/or Secure or not. I think I will take a break from brainstorming from the writing contest and start reading this for a little while. I've been wanting to read this, so I am glad that I can when I have this free-time.
Also headed to Subway to meet up with an old co-worker and catch up around 1 today, that will be nice because it's been quite a long time since our last get-together.
My parents got new furniture, which they needed BAD, so my hubby and I might go check it out after work today if we don't have anything else going on.

Other than that, pretty lax day (as seems to be the norm now).
Happy Wednesday, Ya'll!

Summer Lovin'

I've been working hard on myself this past week or two as far as discipline, figuring out my niches, and losing weight. I've lost 6 pounds since last week. I've been very strict with my diet and the amount of food I eat in comparison to the amount of activity I have done during the day. So because I work in an office 9-5, I am usually sedentary. Instead of eating large meals and telling myself that I HAVE to eat, I have cut back. I cut my portions probably by 75% or more. There are some days where I have a little bit more, but I make an agreement with myself as I eat that I HAVE to do exercise to burn those extra calories. Most days now, I don't tell myself I am hungry unless I am ACTUALLY hungry. It's all about discipline. I've been making smarter choices when eating also. Most days during the week I will make chicken or prepare some tuna and incorporate veggies like cucumbers, squash, things that are tasty AND healthy. But even if you are eating healthier, doesn't mean it gives you an excuse to give yourself LARGE portions. It's all about portion control and some activity during the day to burn more than what is consumed. That's how you lose the weight. By training my body this way, I really hope that I can FINALLY reach my goal and be even thinner than I was in high school. I know in high school, that in my house, we didn't exactly make healthy dinners or leave many healthy snacks around. We had a lot of mac&cheese, hostess cakes, pastas, filler foods. Thank God I was doing sports 24/7 then, because I would have been Miss Pudge Plus due to my diet and the amount of food I had.

I am realizing now that we don't have to live by the example we were brought up with, we can live healthy AND happy. Food DOES NOT CONTROL me now. I control the food. Because of this discipline, I can live a long healthier life until it's my turn to leave it.  

Fantabulous

Well good morning, good-lookin'!

I rode my bike to work this morning! It is such a great feeling to be able to do that and not have to freeze my buns off on the way here anymore. With summer arriving, showing it's happy-hot-face on all of us, makes it nice to be able to ride bikes or walk to our local destinations comfortably-ish. :)

This weekend seemed to be packed with activities, especially on Saturday! I had to be at a Golf Course for my job at 7 in the morning and stayed there to take money and register golfers until 10 a.m. I then went back to my office to count the money, to ensure that another incident like last year happens again (Money stolen from my desk). I spent about 5 hours working that day, then turned around and helped tear down the Kettle Korn tent that I help my in-laws with occasionally which took another couple of hours... So almost a full days work on Saturday.

This upcoming weekend, I am SO excited for! It's my love's Birthday on Sunday! We went and purchased Tattoo Festival Passes and will be seeing one of his good friends that will be tattooing there at the expo! Hoping we could go see Jurassic World at the IMAX or even some D-Box seats too. Possibly some sushi devouring... who knows! Should be a TON o' fun!

The Power of Family

My goodness. I have gone through such a roller-coaster ride of emotions these past couple of days. I have to tell you, if you haven't already known, that the power of family is incredible when you need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. They will be there for you no matter what, they will drop everything practically to help you cope with things going wrong in life and they give EXCELLENT advice!

I have realized CLEARLY that I need help in boosting my self-confidence and self-esteem. It is okay to ask for help, and it is okay to see a therapist to have them help guide yourself to a better you! Not everyone lives a perfect life, not everyone has lived a perfect life with the perfect parents, and the perfect role-models. I have shut out those kind of thoughts and feelings for the most part, and have repressed a lot of my childhood memories because of the hurt it caused. I remember thinking as a kid that I wished my family was like so-and-so's family... thinking that their family never fought, they stuck together through thick-and-thin, and were very involved with each other. Mine was very secluded and non-social until I was introduced to playing sports. To be honest, playing sports are what my best memories are growing up. I don't really remember spending quality 'Family-Time' with my Mom and Dad unless it was at a theme park... which would explain my obsession with those. If we attempted 'Family-Time', camping for example, there would ALWAYS be fighting with my parents on those kinds of trips, there ALWAYS had to be an agenda to stick to, which caused a lot of hate and discontent.
To wrap this up though... I may not have had the greatest childhood, but it's okay to talk about it and to try to self reflect on how that childhood as morphed you into the person you are today. Today. I feel that I have little self-confidence and self-esteem in myself as a woman. I've listened to a suggestion that I need to hold my head up everywhere I go, DO NOT LOOK DOWN as you pass someone on the street etc. By holding your head up, you exude confidence and will be seen as someone who possesses it. I tried that out yesterday, I couldn't believe how many times, every time, that I passed someone I would put my head down and avoid eye contact. By shutting myself out from others, it only shows that I am a shut-in.

It's time for change. With my family's help, which includes my best of friends, I will get through this transition in life to become a better version of myself!

Annoying Rant

Yes. Another cord has been struck. I am being annoyed by the same co-worker and I just don't have the balls to stand up and say something to this person. I really don't...

I want the courage to stand up and say something, or at least kindly tell this person to get the hell out of my office. Sigh... I tried searching on the inter-webs, including YouTube, of ways to deal with annoying people. The most common thing was, that if I am getting annoyed by this person, then it means there is something they are projecting which is actually making me annoyed with myself. I want to call BS on this though... This person is 46 years old, male, and all he does is come in my office to gossip... or tell me how horrible of a life he has, or asks me really stupid questions. When he gossips, it's about other co-workers... I happen to enjoy these co-workers. I suppose the next time he gossips, I am definitely going to tell him that I don't feel comfortable talking about it, and if he has issues then he needs to talk to the boss. (which he never seems to fucking do). I am just going to do something like this each time he complains... I wish I could just stop him before he comes in and ask him that if he doesn't have anything related to work that he needs from me, to not come in my office. But that's fucking rude, right? Just this morning, he walks by my fucking office, and as he is walking... 'Hi Becky'... I didn't look up or acknowledge him, 1. because I fucking hate him. 2. I was busy and needed total focus on what I was doing at the exact time he said hello. He then stops as I didn't respond to him, turns around, and walks into my doorway.. waits for me to look up. "Hi Becky". WELL, HELLO YOU FUCKING CREEP! I'M FUCKING BUSY. He then asked if the boss was gone today... (you can obviously see from my doorway that his office is pitch black, meaning that he is not here.) Yes...... I responded. I then went back to my work, and he continued to stand in the fucking doorway like his feelings were hurt that I didn't respond to him 'nicely'. I looked up with my eyebrows raised... hoping my point came across that he needs to fucking 'carry on'. Then as a hip-old teenage adolescent boy, 'Alright, COOL!'.
FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

LOL!
I don't know... maybe I am just a complete bitch or something. But he creeps me out, he is fucking annoying, and he doesn't take hints.

Lord Help Me.