It's Too Early To Adult.

Greetings. Once again.
It is I.

I have this fantastic idea of making some BOMB fish tacos tonight. Well. In my mind I am saying that they are bomb, because why not boost my confidence in cooking any better than talking myself up, right? I have had the great pleasure of traveling to Maui, HI, as you know... and we had the BEST fish tacos that I had ever tasted. They had a mango garnish, slaw, amongst other delicious goodies in one tiny tortilla. I am in high hopes of replicating something as close to it as possible... even though the only fish I have to work with today is Tilapia, and I am fairly certain the fish we had was Mahi-Mahi. Yes, I know I can go pick it up at my supermarket most likely, fresh to death (literally)... but I am trying to cut back on extra expenditures. This is what I have in my freezer, so thusly. There you have it.

This is definitely something I am looking forward to making, mainly due to the fact that, once again, I have some free time here at work and I am not sure what else to do with myself other than brag about my siq cooking skills. I wonder if I should validate my experience by sharing it on here with my viewer(s). I meannnnnn.... would you like it? Would you? Would you like that picture? You wanna have it?

I have been considering taking on virtual assistant positions, but I suppose I should start another blog to look a bit more professional or something, if I happen to venture into that business. I could be helping out businesses potentially in my free time here at work or at least at home in my free time. I don't know. It just feels like we need to do something more in life to be better recognized for our talents, you know? There are so many opportunities out there. My friend made a decent amount of pocket change writing some erotic stories she posted online that people would purchase to read. How awesome is this world? Actually, I guess, maybe the world isn't THAT awesome, because I have listened to a podcast of a woman who legitimately sold her dirty worn underwear on the internet and gets PAID BANK for it. Is that disturbing? Perhaps. But if you can make money from it, that is definitely on anyone's radar. LOL! It has totally been a struggle to know what to do, or how to do things, and by the time I get home, I have no motivation to start projects. I know though, that if it is important to me, then I will make time for it; I am my own worst enemy.

Happy Monday, may your day be filled with joy and excitement that mine is very much lacking.

Cheers

Purpose

Trying to figure out purpose. I can't even describe what it is like, because it is too frustratingly difficult to discover. What exactly is my purpose, besides being a beacon of light setting good examples... I want to be happy. I want to live a happy, purposeful life. I want to make a difference to someone and see light, almost, beam from people's faces. I want to make a difference to myself. Is there something that I can live off of, that enables me to be happy and make a difference in someone else's life, including my own? What is it exactly that I want to do, what do I want to achieve?

To be honest, I have no friggin' idea or direction. I almost feel as though I should wait for it to fall in my lap, but after many discussions with my husband, it could but shouldn't fall into laps that easily. Everything has a purpose, and is driven by someone. There is a reason that people are successful, and some are truly happy with what they are doing. I have been spending moments here and there to take a break from a monotonous task, to explore adventurous job options. I looked up the National Geographic website, and saw all the beautiful photos that photographers have taken in the wild. That seems like a dream to just enjoy the world and photograph it. It's in a way like clipping out a piece of history. I suppose that it would satisfy me to try that out, take some photos, and have direction by taking them. Suppose I will try that, I would be more interested in action shots of animals or humans, I suppose they are both the same. I want to be intriguing, I want someone to want more of what I can offer.

I've thought about the flight attendant jobs, a gal from High School is going all over the place and looks incredibly happy. I know I shouldn't judge a photo by its photo? But seriously, who could be unhappy stopping in Aruba? That is so cool, and I am SO happy for her! Considering if I could do it though, I think I would miss my husband too much. Sure there are perks on tickets, but there are rules and fine print to those and it wouldn't be entirely possible to have him join me every time I fly out, it's not realistic. But is this an excuse? I suppose it's the same excuse I would use if I decided to join the military. I've thought about that too and seriously considered it, but I would miss him too much. Am I making the right decisions here? Am I too worried about missing my husband's touch, that I don't go out and do things that I want to try?

I can keep coming up with excuses, I can keep giving myself tips and ideas to try something new, but when I can't go out and implement my ideas and inspirations, what kind of purposeful life is that? Being too scared of change. It cripples my being, my soul, yet I still let it rule my life.
 
I will go home and take a walk, while on my walk I will take 5 action photos, I will take my time, I will bring my journal and find a spot to reflect on my walk and any thoughts that came up.
Happiness = Adventure  

Shy Pooper

Ladies really have the biggest struggle when it comes to pooping in public. Well, not in front of strangers blatantly out in the open or anything, obviously... but using the facilities in a public restroom, no matter where it is at, if you have to poop as a woman, you are simply just fucked.

If this is a male reader, and this is news to you, you're welcome.

However I feel the need to stand up for the ladies, whom like myself, are shy poopers.

It is incredibly frustrating to have to poop while you are out and about, either at your job, shopping, traveling, etc. It's like this judgmental place and isn't "lady-like" to poop when other women are simply using the restroom to urinate, wash their hands, or just fix their overall appearance... It is a place to gather for women, not to necessarily use the restroom, but to just be there to look at themselves in the mirror it seems like. Of course I have done my fair share of all those things, but I also have been there occasionally when women just don't give no fucks, and are dropping the cosby's off at the pool freely. I think to myself in those instances, how freeing that must be to not care if others hear them pooping, or how stanky it is. I don't ENJOY them doing it, but in a sense, look up to that stall they are in and how they are liberating women everywhere!  

Men seem to have it so easy, they don't care if their fellow men are shitting, why can't women do the same?

Maybe I am the only one who has this problem, being a shy pooper.

Oh Hai

So I deactivated my Facebook earlier, I realized I have a huge problem by staying on there for long periods of time, all throughout the day. There was a point where I deleted the app from my phone to try and prevent myself from using it, but I don't know if that even lasted a full day. I have found that I am not creating any sort of value for myself. All it seems to be is a real-time version of a yearbook.  The drama, the sadness, the good times, and the bad. Facebook tracks all of these things for you, which is really kind of great. You have an online system saving all your precious memories without having to create old fogey scrap books. Although that is well and great, we have grown to succumb to the almighty red notifications number. We want a score of how good our post is from the opinion of those, who, we are mainly just acquainted with. Our entire lives has morphed even deeper into a judgemental system. Wasn't it kind of bizarre that at one point, there was no such thing as a mobile device? People generally stayed out of each other's business and had to know somebody to find out what is going on. Now, most times, people just have to look up your name in this gigantic phone book/year book to find out if Timmy fell in a well again, or if Bruno the dog passed away yet. 

People are snoopy as fuck. Including myself. I really need to spend this time to focus on me and my close friends and family. I need to try and put myself out there, and try to make new friends the old fashioned way. As I think of that last sentence though. We really aren't there anymore. Technology has made us it's bitch and we can't help but obey it. I choose to spend my time without it for now, at least technology which takes up my entire freakin' day. I kept my other social media apps that I hardly use to hopefully be more focused on my journey and spending it healthily with my husband. 

Rant 2.0

Okay. I have to write this out so I can make myself believe that I feel better about the situation.

At work.
I just completed this huge project and completed final invoicing from an annual golf tournament my department does for fundraising. 2 months later, the baseball team ALSO has a golf tournament for fundraising, and I somehow get trapped into doing everything... AGAIN.

Today, coach comes in and asks about the copy center and what services that they can help provide. I said that they can do everything that we do here... including mailing etc. He says cool, I will email them what I need to have done and have them mail it out when finished.

This was this morning... I just now got a phone call from the copy center by an incompetent person working there... that they are too short handed, and therefore can't put the packets together... BULL-SHIT. I was just in there getting supplies for our department and all I could hear back there was someone shootin' the shit, gabbing away about their home life, and nothing about work. Granted. I am guilty of not being busy... BUT ONLY WHEN I DON'T HAVE WORK TO DO BECAUSE I HAVE COMPLETED ALL MY WORK!!
Don't bull-shit me, and say you are short handed when you aren't doing jack-shit in there. Not only that, but the 2 that are in there supposedly can't figure out a mail merge to save their damn life. If you work in a copy center, that should be a piece of FUCKING CAKE! GOD! "...We just don't have time". I fixed their issue in less than 5 minutes.
Also, I just put together all 52... yeah... (52 is not a lot for college mailing) envelopes with labels in under 5 minutes.. OH... THE HORROR OF SO MUCH TO FUCKING DO! This is way too hard... SPARE ME. PLEASE. A grand total of 10 minutes - at the MOST.

So. Lucky me. I get to pretty much do all of the work... again. It's not fucking terrible, I would just appreciate someone from baseball taking control of this so I can continue with paperwork from incoming athletes and their upcoming orientations.

New Adventures

Well Friends.

This Wifey found out yesterday that her handsome hubby got the job! We will be moving into the big city and are planning on seeing apartments today! We couldn't be more excited and nervous all at once. This has been something that we have been talking about doing for a LONG time. I honestly can't wait to start a new adventure and be able to see my friends again within a reasonable distance!
Wish us luck in our apartment hunt adventures, I am sure it's going to take a bit of time to find one we really like. :)

Still keeping in mind though, we have a 1 year anniversary to plan and after both of us researching yesterday, we are either going to Brookings, or Springfield Oregon. Either one looks fantastic, and both have things to do there while not being too overly stimulated to focus on the purpose of our being there.

I adore my husband, and I am so proud of him in his accomplishments. This is another step closer to our travel days we hope. This extra income will help us save even more... Scary! But EXCITING!

When you would be here in my arms

Waiting for tonight.

Well, not really waiting, but I am ready to go home already from work. Even though when I do eventually go home, I don't do anything. I need to have a drive of some kind. I need to have some kind of purpose. I would like to have more self-confidence, and have thought that it would be so awesome to take dance classes with the hubby. The other day, he mentioned that he would like to do martial arts of some kind and get some confidence that way and suggested me trying it with him. My first instinct was "ew!", but he mentioned it could be good in case I am by myself in a bad situation. I guess that's a good idea. haha! I will try to research some classes around here, or ones in a bigger city, and just put ourselves out there and DO something for once! :)
I listened to a Zero to Travel podcast today about international house sitting. It sounds like it would be a ton of fun, plus you're guaranteed a place to stay, even if some places may not be very "nice", I think it would be worth it to have the experience of it all.
Ryan and I need to sit down and plan our 1st Year Anniversary trip. We were thinking of going to the coast, and were also thinking of taking a week off for it. We could go to Portland too, and other cities we have talked about visiting over there. Not only do we need to plan our coast trip, but we REALLY need to plan our BIG trip outta here. My good friend from high school recommended us to use the BootsnAll.com email reminders, as those emails give great instruction/step-by-step on how to achieve where you want to go with the budget that you have. I look forward to speaking with him more and getting more help on travel as we get closer... but we haven't even STARTED. It is quite frustrating. It just seems like the first thought of money being involved, I get in the fetal position and forget the thought of ever traveling. It's a terrible habit, and damn it. I am determined to live outside this damn box!
Another thing I would like to REALLY try doing on my own is my own meditation practice. I would like to get into something to help me clear my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, etc. I feel that it could really help with this inner-turmoil that I have been experiencing in my journal entries at home.
I almost want to invest into a new, or new-ish laptop, to use for our travel and hopefully use it as a tool to bring us income. My laptop at the moment has died completely and of course anyone in this situation would love to get rid of the darn thing instead of try and fix it. Especially since technology is ever-growing, and this one is approximately 10 years old or so. Are you loving my logic talking myself into buying a new computer? LOL, yeah... I should just fix my old one for now. :)