Serious.

It's almost memorial day weekend, and I was looking through some powerful pictures of veterans who have died, and loved ones yearning for them. Death is powerful, it can consume your whole soul in grief alone. It is becoming more apparent, that maybe I am not as strong as I think I am when it comes to dealing with death.
My mother has Poly-cystic Kidney Disease (PKD) and has 14% use of her kidneys left as of recently. My grandma (mom's mom) is in her 70's and she also has this disease... also not doing so well. As I looked at these pictures of families grieving over their loved ones I could feel their emotion, and imagined myself in their position. It is painful. It really makes you wonder though, when is our time going to be? What is our purpose here... is there really a purpose, and who determines our lifeline.
Death can happen at any moment and to be honest, I am scared shitless of it happening... whether it is my family and loved ones, or myself. Where do we go? Is it really 'Heaven', or does your light get switched off and you stay in an endless sleep. I strongly believe in spirits and ghosts, it's just one of those things though, that no-one can REALLY explain. Maybe Theresa Caputo can LOL! Sometimes I wish I could connect with the 'other side' so I can be an advocate in helping those that are grieving that their loved ones are still with us in spirit. Where do these spirits go though. To me it seems that the spirit lingers for a certain amount of time, and they move on somewhere... perhaps reborn? It is such a crazy thing to fathom, it's the thing that everyone is scared of. It's scary not knowing what's to come really.
I purchased some death and dying books, but those help in grieving mostly.. I want to learn more about the actual experience of death. I will gladly take any sort of suggestions as I go through this life learning more about it.